By Peter K. Lam
“Hey Jenny, what do you want for breakfast?” I asked as I put on my clothes.
Jenny said nothing.
“Jenny, do you want breakfast? I’m making eggs if you want some.”
Still she said nothing. I got out of the bathroom and looked around to see if Jenny had woken up. The two of us have been living together for nearly six months and only now have we started to get adjusted to each other’s habits. We’ve been dating for over a year and thought it was time to take the next step. So far, we like living together but occasionally there’s conflict. Well, whose relationship doesn’t have conflict, right? Like last night… Jenny and I got into an argument about where we were going to spend Thanksgiving this year. Last year we decided to have Thanksgiving at home by ourselves. Since we spent Thanksgiving on our own last year, this year we wanted to be with family and friends
Jenny wanted us to go all the way to Seattle for her family thing but I wanted to go to visit some good friends of mine that I hadn’t seen since college graduation. I wanted to compromise but Jenny could care less about what I wanted to say. Her mind was made up about visiting her family and that was that. She’s stubborn that way which is one of the things that I love about her.
Walking out of the bathroom, I bumped in Jenny on my way out. Her hair was all ruffled probably because she just got up. Usually she straightens out her hair and stylizes it. She’s really into all that fashion stuff. Me, on the other hand, I don’t know all that much about fashion. A t-shirt and jeans is fashionable for me on a good day. Jenny though, she loves fashion. She buys fashion magazines so that she would know what would be the next best thing. She is unlike other girls though. She doesn’t get the magazines just to look at, she analyzes them down to the very last detail. She’s like a fashion designer deep down. I have no idea why she decided to be a nurse instead. It’s obvious her passion in life is fashion. Well, I love her anyway.
“Oops! Hey there sleepy head,” I joked with Jenny trying to get her to wake up a little bit, “Did you sleep well?”
Jenny walked right past me without saying a word as though I were an annoying apparition not worth her time. She didn’t even look at me. She completely ignored me as though I wasn’t even there. Maybe she had a bad night or something. After what happened, I’m sure she would be a little cranky.
“Hey Jenny, if you want, I could make pancakes instead or I could make that one special dish that your mom really loves. What do you say?”
Jenny went into the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind her. The power of the door shutting reverberated down the halls of the house. I could tell she was mad, maybe more angry than I first thought. The sound of the door slamming shut so hard continued to ring in my ears as I decided to get ready for work. I guess she’s going for the silent treatment. Maybe I was too hard on her last night. She wanted to go visit her parents since she hadn’t seen them in a long time. I guess I should’ve just gone along with her. Well, it’ll pass. I got to get going or I’ll be late for work. She’ll get over it, and then we can talk about it again tonight. I’ll take her out to dinner or I could make dinner myself. We could have dinner by candle light or something. It’ll be a clear night tonight or so the meteorologist suggests. We could eat out in the backyard and it’ll be beautiful. Then I could apologize. I should apologize but why… why should I apologize? I didn’t do anything wrong. I just provided my input on the subject. Ugh! Relationships… girlfriends… they can be so difficult sometimes.
As I got dressed for work, Jenny got out of the bathroom looking better than when she went in. In fact, I dare say looked stunning. It’s amazing what she can do in half an hour… She still hadn’t looked at me or said “Good morning,” at all. This is probably going to last all day I bet. That’s too bad because I enjoy my phone conversations with her during lunch hour. Guess that’s not happening today. She walked by me a couple times in the bedroom as she shuffled to find her work clothes. I opened my mouth to say something but I could say nothing. As the morning dragged on, the silence between us become deafening. It was so quiet that the room turned cold as though it had become a prison cell. The clicking of bedroom clock started to become evident in the silence and it started driving me nuts. It continued to click and click drawing closer to the next hour and then the next day then the next week and so on. In the silence it felt like an eternity to me. Time was disappearing on me.
I feel kinda bad about what happened last night but I don’t want to apologize. I wasn’t at fault so I shouldn’t have to but is the conflict really worth all this tension between us? It’ll pass. We can talk about it later. She’ll cool down and we’ll both be thinking much clearer.
“I’ll see you later Jenny,” I announced as I was about to walk out of the door but something stopped me, “Jenny, I know you’re angry about last night but we have to talk about this you know… Maybe tonight when I get home, alright?”
Silence.
“Okay, you don’t have to talk to me. I’ll be back tonight around seven or so. See you then…” I said as I was about to close the door, “I… I love you, honey.”
The whole drive to work was so uneasy for me. I was all jittery and I couldn’t really concentrate. Why is she making this out to be such a huge deal? It was nothing, just a silly argument, that’s all. I couldn’t stop thinking about it nonetheless. If it wasn’t such a big deal, why am I spending so much time on it? Maybe I should apologize. I shouldn’t have been so hard on her. I could’ve seen my buddies just about any time I wanted. We’re both so busy that we barely get to see family. I guess I should apologize. I’ll call Jenny. She’ll be at work in an hour or so. I’ll call her then. I’ll tell her I’m sorry. I’ll tell her…
CRASH
…
Wha…. What happened? I can’t… where am I? It’s so cold and cramp. I… hey, what’s going on here? My arm, I don’t think I can feel it. I can’t feel my legs either or anywhere else… What the Hell… then I looked around me. Everything was metallic and I could barely see because of the bright fluorescent light beaming down on me. That is fluorescent light isn’t it? As my eyes adjusted to the light, something strange happened. I could move again.
I was lying on something but now I’m standing. What’s going on here? This is too weird… That’s the last time I’m skipping breakfast. I must be hallucinating or something ‘cause stuff like this doesn’t… happen? Looking around me, I found that I was in a morgue of some kind. Bodies were all over this place, each on top of a gurney and covered by white sheets. It was like a scene straight out of a horror flick. I’ve never been a huge fan of horror movies because they always give me the creeps. Some guys get excited or what not but not me. Definitely not me…
Then I saw it, I saw something words could not describe. I saw me. I saw me lying on one of the gurneys with a white sheet covering the lower half of my body. I wanted to vomit. There I lie mangled and disfigured. This must be a nightmare. It can’t be real. It can’t be real. It can’t be… Suddenly one of the doors opened and two people, a man and a woman, came in both dressed like doctors.
“The poor guy hardly knew what hit him,” the man told the woman as they walked toward me.
“Hey please! Tell me what’s going on! Why am I here? Is this some sick joke?” I called after them but neither of them heard me.
I tried stepping in front of them but they walked right through me. At first I couldn’t believe what was happening. They just walked right THROUGH me. How is that possible, unless… I’m dead? No, no, no! This isn’t really happening. I’m just dreaming. I’m not dead. I’m not…
“… dead. He’s been dead since they found him,” the man reported to the woman.
“His girlfriend must be devastated. Who broke the news to her?” the woman asked.
“My girlfriend? Where is she!? I need to talk to her! I have something to tell her! Please!”
“One of the cops did. They said she broke down.”
“Wait! What do you mean! Somebody talk to me! I have to let Jenny know that I’m okay! I’m right here! I’m okay! Are you listening? I’m talking to you!”
For a moment there I wasn’t aware of anything except what the doctors were saying about me. How could this be? How can they be talking about me being dead when I’m right here? Jenny must’ve called a hidden camera show last night and is doing this to get at me for our fight. Jenny, she’s a clever girl. If I weren’t so smart I wouldn’t have figured it all out.
“Alright guys the joke’s on me! I’m on the Jaime Kennedy Experiment right? Or am I on Punk’d since this is much more Ashton Kutcher’s style. You guys can drop the act now…. guys?”
A chill ruptured through my spine paralyzing me. The warmth from my body slipped out of me as though I had just plunged into the icy depths of an ocean. I could no longer breathe. I tried to but I kept gagging. I couldn’t get a good breath of air in me. I crossed my arms across my chest, trying to preserve as much heat as possible.
When I looked around me again I was no longer in the morgue. The scenery around me had shifted from one to another without my knowledge. It was a seamless transition like the flow of water from one container to another. This place was familiar to me. The windows, the lighting, the bed… the bed… this is my house! I was about to go looking for Jenny but I didn’t have to look far. I could hear her sobs clearly. There she was, at the dresser staring at the mirror with distraught. Suddenly she grabbed a vase of flowers on top of the dresser and slammed it against the mirror, shattering it to pieces.
“Jenny!” I cried.
She couldn’t hear me, just like the doctors couldn’t hear me. This cannot be happening! Why is this happening? It doesn’t make any sense! Nothing makes sense! No could hear me so no one could help. There has to be someone, anyone who can help me understand… help me stop all of this. Then I look upward, hoping to address whatever higher power that governs over life.
“She doesn’t deserve this! All this, pain all this suffering, she doesn’t need any of it.”
“I hate you!” shouted Jenny as she clawed through the shards of the broken mirror, “I hate you, I hate you!”
“Stop it! Make this stop! Make it stop now!” I shouted feeling more and more desperate but my cries were ignored.
I started to shake violently unable to convey my feelings into words. How could someone feel so hot but yet feel so chilled? I could feel my blood boiling but at the same time it felt as though ice water ran through my veins. I desperately wanted to grab something and thrust it into the air in hopes of maybe getting my message across through a sheer act of force.
“This isn’t funny! This is my life and this is my girlfriend! You can’t do this to us. I WON’T LET YOU.”
Nothing was happening. I continued to shout and scream until my voice cracked but still no help. I just stood where I was and looked over at Jenny, her face frozen in anguish. I couldn’t bare to see her in so much pain.
“Why!? Why?!” Jenny shouted as she dropped down on the ground, “I shouldn’t have let him leave. Maybe if I had just said something… oh God! He could still be here!”
“I’m here! Jenny! I’m…” I plead when it suddenly dawned upon me, “… dead. I’m dead…. I’m dead,” I muttered realizing that there was nothing more I could really do or say.
After all this time the reality has started to become clear to me. Something must have happened to me along the way to work and I died. Why now? Why me? I can’t be dead! I’m just not ready to be… dead, but I am. I’m dead. Dead.
“How did it happen?” I asked aloud as though someone would hear me.
Jenny got up and crept over the bedside counter where our phone was. Usually the phone’s handset would be place on the phone itself but now the headset was off the hook. I could hear the repeating beep sound that phones have when they remain off the hook for a long time. The answering machine near the phone was blinking and Jenny pressed the play button to check the message.
<<You have no new messages. To listen to your save messages, press one…>>
Jenny fumbled with the machine and it started to play….
<<Hi this is the local police department,>> said the voice through the machine, <<I’ve called this residence three times already and I’m not sure if uh… this is his family. No one picked up so I’ll have to give you the news through this call. Earlier this morning, Keith Eisner was… was shot on the way to work. Someone was acting out of road rage and uh… had a gun handy. He was caught in the crossfire… a casualty. I’m sorry to do this over the phone but…>>
Jenny grabbed the answering and pulled out its wires. She threw it across the room and it landed smack against the wall. The machine was no longer intact. It scattered into a dozen pieces but the audio remained playing, repeating “was shot” over and over again.
It was all true. I’m not alive. I’m dead. I’ve been dead and I never got my chance to say I’m sorry. But why haven’t I gone over? I’m still here… there has to be a reason. Maybe I can tell her. This could be my chance! I felt so hopeful but I knew better than that. Even though I made it out as though I could really get a second chance to correct my mistake, deep down I knew there was no second chance. I had my chance.
“I… I’m sorry Jenny. I’m so sorry…” I muttered but Jenny continued to weep as she sat on the floor with her head against the bed. She didn’t hear a word I said.
I got furious immediately. Why was I being tormented like this? Here I am, so close to the one person in the world I truly loved and I can’t even talk to her. I just want to hold her in my arms again and tell her that everything would be okay and that I would be fine but I knew that I couldn’t do it. I had my chance before and I didn’t take it. I was too late.
I stood there still not quite believing all that has happened. It all happened so quickly and hadn’t had time to absorb it all. I looked around the room again and my mind flooded with memories of my time with Jenny, both good and bad. I love her so much and it isn’t fair that I have to go but my time is up… I was too late. I walked up to Jenny who was crying herself to sleep on the floor. I kneeled down next to her and put my hand through her beautiful hair but my hand went wispily through it like air. I looked at her one last time. If only I could tell her how sorry I was. If only I could let her know I was wrong. If only… if only… but I was too late.
